When you speak to people about their experience through divorce, you often hear them say “I wished I had access to a Divorce Coach when I was going through all my issues. Looking back, I could have avoided some of my mistakes”.
Conflict is inevitable in divorce, and it changes your everyday life. People claim to lose confidence, have increased stress, and feel overwhelmed. In a working environment, you can sometimes feel unproductive, not think clearly, and make mistakes that you normally would not.
A Divorce Coach can help you regulate these emotions by providing some learnt skills from their toolbox. This can allow you think more clearly, gain some confidence about decisions you want to make, and start looking ahead strategically and avoid these common mistakes seen in divorce or separation.
1. Getting stuck in a closed mindset:
‘It’s my way or the highway’ and your thinking is inflexible. Change can be terrifying, however, with skilled coaching you can learn to have an open mindset. This allows you to move from WHAT is being stated to WHY it matters to you. You can unlock a desire to gain clarity around your own decisions and learn how to communicate with an interest to dig deeper and find out more. An example of a productive question is: “I hear that you want XYZ, but help me understand why this is important to you?”
2. Turning over the decision-making power to someone else:
When people lose confidence and aren’t thinking clearly, they want someone else to make the decision. “Tell me what to do” is often heard. Sometimes it is seen as chucking in the towel. As a Divorce Coach, we want you to look back at your divorce and know you made the best decisions at the time, you gained the right advice from the right people, and these aligned with your values and needs.
3. Using the courts to get emotional justice:
Tricky situations, high emotions and conflict run deep. Divorce is never fair! Please keep in mind that the courts look at the laws of divorce – they don’t legislate morality, they look at facts. If you and your partner cannot resolve your issues, you leave the courts to make the decisions. Sometimes you may not like that decision. My role as a Divorce Coach is to help the client shift the problem cycle from the past to focus on the future, forward-thinking, testing different ideas so you can see all potential outcomes. It is important to be your best self and have strong composure during these difficult times, as this is your brand. You should be able to look back on these decisions and tough times and know you have been at your best during negotiations.
4. Setting unrealistic expectations:
We often hear of clients having gone to friends and family for advice. Sadly, this can be biased. Social media, TV, and movies can slant someone’s reality. We know every divorce is unique, and the Divorce Coach can help with reality checks and road-test some of the client’s expectations.
5. Not having clear goals and strategies:
A Divorce Coach needs to help a client look to the future: what is their vision and how do they get there? This involves setting goals that align with the client’s values and needs and ensures they have the right information. When this occurs, the client takes ownership of these and moves forward with clarity and confidence.
6. Not keeping the children centred in the decision-making of how you both want to parent:
We talk about “a child-centric divorce vs. a divorce-centred child”. Parenting plans are important in the overall scheme of things, and when decisions are being made, you must keep going back to your North Star: “Is this decision the best for our child/children?” People can unlock a lot of support through divorce coaching, family dispute resolution specialists, and family mediators. More work put in at the front-end in anticipation of your goals often has a better outcome in the long-term. This should be reviewed as often as necessary, particularly if there is a change in circumstances. At least once a year is optimal.
If you think that one or more of these common mistakes resonate with you and you’d like to find out more information, schedule your complimentary 30-minute consultation. Let me help you through some of your issues so you can “Separate with Freedom”.
