Christmas can be tough enough with some of the stress and expectations we put on ourselves. The social media pages out there are full of great and jolly ideas when we are playing happy families. But going through this time of year alone because of a relationship breakdown, separation or divorce can be extremely difficult. Grief can be overwhelming and it can truly be a very sad time for many.
As a Divorce Coach, I want to try and share a few things that worked for me when I was navigating the home alone, children with their father and working out ways to anticipate the triggers that made me feel sad.
Children
The most important thing is keeping the children centric in all the organising and considerations. No matter how tricky it is to communicate with your ex, it is critical to ensure that you are both on the same page about a whole host of things. Depending on the ages of the children, keeping it simple and ensuring they are aware of what is happening stops them from worrying about how Christmas will unfold. Children will often quietly worry about the other parent when they aren’t with them so allow some time for them to voice their concerns.
I have listed a few things that may need some thought before the crazy Christmas sneaks up on you.
- Holiday timetable – time away with each parent and /or holiday school programs. A couple of things to consider: is the routine going to be dramatically changed? If so, how can you help with settling any concerns your children may feel. Is there a holiday away with one or other parent that may require a packing list to ensure things aren’t forgotten e.g. their favourite toy, beach towel or sporting equipment?
- Christmas Eve, Christmas Day & Boxing Day can all be special events in different cultures and families. Ensure it is well mapped out before the big days. Sharing children across both sides of the families becomes vital in maintaining & continuing healthy relationships for years to come.
- Traditions: this may be important to continue in both houses, depending on the age of the children. Perhaps start some new ones and get the children involved in inventing new things that could be special and fun.
- If they are being expected to eat large quantities of food in two houses, be mindful that they may find it hard to face huge servings later in the day. Don’t take it personally.
- Presents: think about being consistent if that is possible. Spending similar amounts can also be sensible. I have always loved the idea of something they want, something they need, something to read and something to wear. Again, check in with your ex so you don’t double up.
These can’t always be navigated but in my honest opinion keeping things simple, consistent and transparent is better for everyone. Keep the dialogue open with the ex if that is possible. Remember if you are stressed, angry, resentful and negative, the children will feel this as well. Please show up trying to be your best self for you and your children.
Looking after yourself
This can be a time of reflection. Whether it is your first Christmas alone or you are a veteran at this, consider what is important to you, what makes you happy and how can you minimise the emotions. Think about the triggers that you may find difficult. Often if you plan this won’t blindside you.
If being alone is terrifying, look to find ways to mitigate those triggers and fill the voids. It could be spending time with friends, helping others as a volunteer to those more in need or even offering to work a shift at work if it means being distracted.
Consider some treats for your self if that allows you to feel good.
- Massage
- Spa treatments
- Arranging a gym or exercise session with friends
- Beautiful walk/cycle along your favourite path or track
- Picnic on the beach with mates
- Buy a gorgeous bunch of flowers that brightens your space
- Watch a favourite movie
You are allowed to feel sad so remember you can nurture those true and raw emotions. But understand the day will pass and you will find new meaning and courage in this new life. Starting a new chapter can have some tricky times but ultimately you will come through the other side with a new appreciation for what you are creating. Your children will reflect on these times and one day you will talk about those memories. You will be amazed at what they remember, how they felt, how proud they were of you navigating what they knew was a tough time. Remember, how you behave and react to some of the conflict around you. This is a great way to teach them how to behave around conflict as well. (Such a wonderful gift to give your children).
If you do fall from grace over something said or done, please remember a simple “I’m sorry” can be very healing to everyone.
You are not alone in this situation, and many have walked this road before you and many will walk it after you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you think it may help.
If you would like to hear more information around this topic, please schedule your complimentary 30-minute consultation. Let me help you through some of your queries.
